Sarah Boles (she/her)
Scholarship Recipient | 2022 Flash Foxy Trailfest - Mammoth Lakes
When I visualized myself attending Flash Foxy TrailFest, I saw myself learning a lot about the mechanics of trail running. In reality, I learned a lot about myself.
Sure, we discussed proper fueling, packing, training, running downhill, etc. But the underlying message was how success comes from understanding how to achieve these for your own unique self. There are no overarching correct answers. With each of these issues, the answer is to know and learn to trust yourself.
TrailFest gave me the space to explore myself and to ponder imposter syndrome, masking, pronouns, and the importance of training my mind for running as well as my body.
Being autistic and ADHD means my brain is in constant conflict. Autistic me wants order and follows logic to a fault. ADHD me lacks the executive functioning to replicate such order, and impulsively follows my emotions.
Realizing my neurodivergence later in life has given me the opportunity to look back on my 38 years and say, “Oh! That’s why I do that”. I had a few of those important realizations at TrailFest. For one, it was nice to realize I have always struggled with long runs (regardless of my fitness) because it’s hard for me to stay mentally focused for more than a few miles and it's hard to keep intrusive thoughts at bay that long.
Climbing has been the one place where I can achieve my “flow” – I can completely focus my body and mind on one thing, something that my ADHD doesn’t allow anywhere else. I’m always in a million places at once, often forgetting what those places are in the moment. Because I live in Kansas City, Mo., have two kids, two part time jobs, and a lack of spare time and funds, I don’t get to climb as often as I need to for my mental health. During a workshop at TrailFest on mindset, I realized through trail running, I’m searching for another place to find my flow.
But trail running is different from climbing – and that’s OK. It allows more time to sort through all those mental files I have open. To brainstorm solutions to problems I’m facing. To plan out verbal responses to hypothetical situations I will find myself in – something autistic me does incessantly as I struggle verbalizing my thoughts.
At Flash Foxy I was given verbal space, and felt comfortable enough to take it. I’ll be honest, it was exhausting for me, but it was a satisfying exhaustion to snuggle into my sleeping bag at the end of the day knowing I took up space and helped others do the same. Special thanks to Annie’s workshop on mindset and Nikki’s workshop on planning for big projects for helping with this.
During these workshops, I gained a lot from listening to others discuss their battles with imposter syndrome on trail and in life. Intrusive thoughts are a big deterrent to my running, and all aspects of my life.
Take this TrailFest scholarship. I waited until the last day to apply, when of course I was camping with my young son. I impulsively decided I owed it to myself to use a short window with wifi to apply. Not sure what gave me the courage to ask the group to extend our bathroom break in town, but I did so in a flurry of adrenaline.
After I hit send, the imposter syndrome wrapped back over me. “That’s silly. I don’t deserve a break. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t spent a night away from my children in almost four years, or that I work two jobs. These scholarships are meant for people who wouldn’t be able to do something like this ordinarily. Sure I cannot afford it, but I’m white, and my disadvantages are invisible (autistic, ADHD, anxiety, trauma, etc.). I don’t deserve this.”
Listening to other participants share and process through their imposter syndrome, and then having the time alone on trail to reflect on my own, was truly priceless. And has taught me the importance of allowing myself this time on a regular basis.
Another important aspect of TrailFest: it marked the first time anyone had asked my pronouns. My initial reaction was to grab a she/her button and move on, but the next day, alone on trail, I had space to dig deeper into that. What goes into determining one’s gender identity? How many people are not honest with themselves about their gender identity? And what if more people gave themselves the space to sift through their gender in relation to their trauma, their beliefs, their upbringing, the systematic ways society suppresses some them?
As a neurodivergent living in a very neurotypical world, I find myself masking so often just to survive. How much masking is necessary to survive in our patriarchal world as a nondominant gender? How often do I do that? And what if everyone just stopped masking?
Being a former foreign language teacher, I have long struggled with the binary that runs so thick through latin based languages. Autistic me appreciates the consistency and that everything has to agree. But autistic me is also too logical to accept that everything should fit neatly into a binary system – especially when people are involved. (Most troublesome: why do inanimate objects need to be assigned genders?)
I’m so appreciative for that time alone on the switchbacks up the Sherwin Lakes Trail to work through some things that have been weighing on my shoulders for years.
The mental and physical space I received in my four days in Mammoth Lakes was truly invaluable. I am so appreciative of Flash Foxy for believing in me, and helping me believe in myself. Besides coming home refreshed for the first time in over four years, I find myself feeling more confident in setting boundaries, allowing myself space, and trusting myself.
The inclusive atmosphere Flash Foxy created at TrailFest resulted in a place where I felt comfortable defining myself as who I am, which allowed me to dig deep into how fundamental truths about myself affect different aspects of my life. I look forward to taking what I have learned and continuing to grow, as a trail runner, and as a human being. Thank you!
